I'm so uncomfortable in my skin tonight.
It's been months and months since this visited.
I took the knife out, but he twisted it.
Grief looking over my shoulder
Wondering if I'm finished being happy yet.
Ready to take it back.
I want something present and sharp,
but i get the past, polluted and vague
I retreat instead
In my head
Fill my mind up with a life that isn't real
in the hopes that I won't remember what I was sad about
What I was scared about
What I can't fix
So impotent so broken so done with this
God, are you still in the centre of this like you said you were?
If I stay still in the centre of this will I know you are?
Just be my centre in the midst of this
It's your peace I miss.
It's possible with You that I will simply go to bed
Lie in safety
Till I wake
Not take back what isn't mine to mend
You can take it for tonight.
the end.
Wednesday, 8 August 2012
Wednesday, 25 May 2011
...
Tonight my heart is heavy & sore. Like a giant fresh bruise really. All the words running through it are un words. in words. dis words.
Inadequate.
Insecure.
Incapable.
Insignificant.
Ill-equipped.
Discouraged.
Disconnected.
Disillusioned.
Disjointed.
Unappreciated.
Uncomfortable.
Unable. to. breathe.
Unwilling.
Unimaginable.
Unloved.
Unworthy.
Tonight I really am searching for Grace. Looking for ful words. I'm just too tired to look in the right place right now.
I don't want to write such self-absorbed trash, but I needed to say it to someone tonight.
(inappropriate)
Friday, 22 October 2010
My own personal Thanksgiving
This Thanksgiving (two weeks ago now, sheesh!) I went back to Nanaimo for the second year in a row. 
I have no doubt that when I left there ( almost three years ago)I was really, really ready to leave there, but there is a part of me that will always find itself in the neighbourhood where I raised my daughter and where I drew the nearest to God and to myself.
Tops on my list of things to be grateful for then is simply the chance to go back, pretty much whenever I want, thanks to some very dear friends who are still there and make me feel like it's my own home that I'm coming back to.
This year my friends were actually in Nepal doing this amazing trek, however, that left their 18 year old daughter, who is like a second daughter to me, by herself for Thanksgiving and she said that she would rather have me there with her than hang out with her friends for that weekend. I felt the same way so, perfect.
The first night we just visited and talked, found our way with each other. I truly like this girl a lot. She is very important to me and a second thing I will give thanks for is being able to continue to be this close to this family.
The second day was indescribably beautiful. I have put pictures with this post simply because a
picture is often, truly, worth a thousand words.
It's like, the way that the water looked when I walked down to the beach. It was crystal clear. You could see every pebble, every ripple, every
shadow and even though it was fall, I wanted to put my toes in it because it was so perfect. There was every cliche fabulous thing happening at the beach that day it made me laugh out loud. There were feathers floating. There was a jelly fish on the shore, there were seagulls flying over head, there were sailboats and it was quiet and I heard people being gentle and kind to one another.It wasn't just beautiful to look at it was beautiful inside of me. I just felt so present and available. Full of inner hospitality. That's what I strive for everyday and it's always so satisfying to have a day like that. It keeps me hopeful for days and days afterwards. It's what I want to bring into the relationships that I have with the people around me. It's like, when I am around my family, especially my daughter and granddaughter, I am content or I get excited and I feel happy without trying because things make sense. But, when I am by myself I have to work not to feel jangled and disjointed in my head because I feel like something is missing. None of this is okay from a Christian standpoint because I know that there was a time in my past that being alone was so easy for me. It was just time to be connected to God and it was like breathing. This is all stuff I am finding my way back to and this time in Departure Bay was like finding myself fitting back into my own skin again without any effort. It was, quite simply, exactly the way that I want to feel in my own head and heart all the time. I would love to say more to try and convey that but it's just the truth. It was a time for me to remember what it felt like to be alone and not need or want for any other feeling to be inside of me or anything else to make the moment what it was.
I have no doubt that when I left there ( almost three years ago)I was really, really ready to leave there, but there is a part of me that will always find itself in the neighbourhood where I raised my daughter and where I drew the nearest to God and to myself.Tops on my list of things to be grateful for then is simply the chance to go back, pretty much whenever I want, thanks to some very dear friends who are still there and make me feel like it's my own home that I'm coming back to.
This year my friends were actually in Nepal doing this amazing trek, however, that left their 18 year old daughter, who is like a second daughter to me, by herself for Thanksgiving and she said that she would rather have me there with her than hang out with her friends for that weekend. I felt the same way so, perfect.
The first night we just visited and talked, found our way with each other. I truly like this girl a lot. She is very important to me and a second thing I will give thanks for is being able to continue to be this close to this family.
The second day was indescribably beautiful. I have put pictures with this post simply because a
picture is often, truly, worth a thousand words.It's like, the way that the water looked when I walked down to the beach. It was crystal clear. You could see every pebble, every ripple, every
shadow and even though it was fall, I wanted to put my toes in it because it was so perfect. There was every cliche fabulous thing happening at the beach that day it made me laugh out loud. There were feathers floating. There was a jelly fish on the shore, there were seagulls flying over head, there were sailboats and it was quiet and I heard people being gentle and kind to one another.It wasn't just beautiful to look at it was beautiful inside of me. I just felt so present and available. Full of inner hospitality. That's what I strive for everyday and it's always so satisfying to have a day like that. It keeps me hopeful for days and days afterwards. It's what I want to bring into the relationships that I have with the people around me. It's like, when I am around my family, especially my daughter and granddaughter, I am content or I get excited and I feel happy without trying because things make sense. But, when I am by myself I have to work not to feel jangled and disjointed in my head because I feel like something is missing. None of this is okay from a Christian standpoint because I know that there was a time in my past that being alone was so easy for me. It was just time to be connected to God and it was like breathing. This is all stuff I am finding my way back to and this time in Departure Bay was like finding myself fitting back into my own skin again without any effort. It was, quite simply, exactly the way that I want to feel in my own head and heart all the time. I would love to say more to try and convey that but it's just the truth. It was a time for me to remember what it felt like to be alone and not need or want for any other feeling to be inside of me or anything else to make the moment what it was.
Sunday, 19 September 2010
On a Sunday Morning
I just got back from a Sunday Morning communion service that brought with it an enormity of emotion.
It starts for me with the knowledge that I am in the place I am supposed to be. Something I never thought I would feel at the cathedral, but something I am extremely grateful for.
"It was the 70th Anniversary of the "Battle of Britain", which took place in the skies over Britain in the summer of 1940 and is considered by many to have been the most significant battle of the Second World War. The defense of the skies over Britain rested on the shoulders of a gallant group of fighter pilots from Britain and the Commonwealth who succeeded in their task of thwarting the Luftwaffe, and averting a Nazi invasion which would, in all probability, have taken place, thereby changing the history of our world."
Never in the field of human conflict was so much owed by so many to so few ~ Winston Churchill
It is at this time that we also stop in church and give prayer and thanks for the pilots in harm's way on the many missions undertaken by the Canadian Forces around the world, and particularly in Afghanistan.
The Recessional Hymn today was one based on an old melody (for those in peril on the sea) but was altered many many years ago for those who had flown. The fourth verse snuck up on me.
We thank You, Father, for the days
Of golden dawns and sunsets' rays
Accept our praise, O Lord we pray
And guide us on Your chosen way.
Be with us, Father, as we rise
To brave the challenge of the skies.
My own father, who is never truly far from my thoughts, has been in them a great deal lately. A little more than usual, I would say. I have heard his voice giving me his perspective on things that I am dealing with, and hearing his corny old expressions whenever they are suitable to the conversation. Last night my sisters and I were working with a challenge of sorts and again, we referenced, "how would he have said this, if he were still alive?"
So, this morning, with the cathedral full of aviators in their crisp uniforms, fly boys for us to put a human face to it all, I could not help but think of Dad and his love of flying, and while the words of the last verse were being sung I choked back huge sobs (I was trying to make a baby laugh so....) as waves of memories flooded my conscious mind. I was suddenly filled with gratitude and awe at the wonder of being able to have flown with my Dad so many
times. It's easy to forget about, but it was the very best thing I ever experienced with him and I've always wished I could do it one more time. I left the church and came out into the warm sunshine and knew it would have been a great day to have gotten in a plane with him.
I turned the corner on to our street and the whole of the armed forces that had been in our church today were over at the Cathedral's graveyard to place their memorial over there. The lone trumpeter played the most beautiful and lingering Reveille I had ever heard. Thank you for that.
Thank you, Dad, for taking me on that adventure with you and sharing one of your great joys with me, I am eternally grateful.
Thank you, Father in Heaven, for taking me on an even greater adventure with you, and for sharing joy when you gave us Jesus. I am eternally grateful.
My heart is full and I wish I knew how to share it better. I hope and pray the people around me will help me as I learn how to love more fully, more openly, with more bravery.
Be with us, Father, as we rise
To brave the challenge of the skies.
It starts for me with the knowledge that I am in the place I am supposed to be. Something I never thought I would feel at the cathedral, but something I am extremely grateful for.
"It was the 70th Anniversary of the "Battle of Britain", which took place in the skies over Britain in the summer of 1940 and is considered by many to have been the most significant battle of the Second World War. The defense of the skies over Britain rested on the shoulders of a gallant group of fighter pilots from Britain and the Commonwealth who succeeded in their task of thwarting the Luftwaffe, and averting a Nazi invasion which would, in all probability, have taken place, thereby changing the history of our world."
Never in the field of human conflict was so much owed by so many to so few ~ Winston Churchill
It is at this time that we also stop in church and give prayer and thanks for the pilots in harm's way on the many missions undertaken by the Canadian Forces around the world, and particularly in Afghanistan.
The Recessional Hymn today was one based on an old melody (for those in peril on the sea) but was altered many many years ago for those who had flown. The fourth verse snuck up on me.
We thank You, Father, for the days
Of golden dawns and sunsets' rays
Accept our praise, O Lord we pray
And guide us on Your chosen way.
Be with us, Father, as we rise
To brave the challenge of the skies.
My own father, who is never truly far from my thoughts, has been in them a great deal lately. A little more than usual, I would say. I have heard his voice giving me his perspective on things that I am dealing with, and hearing his corny old expressions whenever they are suitable to the conversation. Last night my sisters and I were working with a challenge of sorts and again, we referenced, "how would he have said this, if he were still alive?"
So, this morning, with the cathedral full of aviators in their crisp uniforms, fly boys for us to put a human face to it all, I could not help but think of Dad and his love of flying, and while the words of the last verse were being sung I choked back huge sobs (I was trying to make a baby laugh so....) as waves of memories flooded my conscious mind. I was suddenly filled with gratitude and awe at the wonder of being able to have flown with my Dad so many
times. It's easy to forget about, but it was the very best thing I ever experienced with him and I've always wished I could do it one more time. I left the church and came out into the warm sunshine and knew it would have been a great day to have gotten in a plane with him.I turned the corner on to our street and the whole of the armed forces that had been in our church today were over at the Cathedral's graveyard to place their memorial over there. The lone trumpeter played the most beautiful and lingering Reveille I had ever heard. Thank you for that.
Thank you, Dad, for taking me on that adventure with you and sharing one of your great joys with me, I am eternally grateful.
Thank you, Father in Heaven, for taking me on an even greater adventure with you, and for sharing joy when you gave us Jesus. I am eternally grateful.
My heart is full and I wish I knew how to share it better. I hope and pray the people around me will help me as I learn how to love more fully, more openly, with more bravery.
Be with us, Father, as we rise
To brave the challenge of the skies.
Monday, 9 August 2010
pooooo
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Wednesday, 6 May 2009
Words
Words are very important to me. To me, the phrase "actions speak louder than words" doesn't really ring true. Words speak loud like words to me. My life is not a silent movie, it's a talkie.
I have learned lately, in a very deep way, that I cannot trust someone who does not express themselves in words.
Words were negated for me when I was growing up. They were not allowed. I think that is why I was such a book worm. I couldn't get enough of them because there just weren't enough of them in real life and so instead they just went around and around in my head because there was no release for them.
Now I'm not saying there isn't validity to actions being a true reflection of what is going on inside a person, and I'm not ignoring the fact that a person can say a load of horse shit while trying to "appear" to be honest, but for me, the fact is words are the only thing that will truly smooth the way, make me relax, help me trust and believe in someone. Until that word comes out that I am waiting to hear, I am only waiting for the other shoe to drop.
John 1
The Word Became Flesh
1 In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.
I have learned lately, in a very deep way, that I cannot trust someone who does not express themselves in words.
Words were negated for me when I was growing up. They were not allowed. I think that is why I was such a book worm. I couldn't get enough of them because there just weren't enough of them in real life and so instead they just went around and around in my head because there was no release for them.
Now I'm not saying there isn't validity to actions being a true reflection of what is going on inside a person, and I'm not ignoring the fact that a person can say a load of horse shit while trying to "appear" to be honest, but for me, the fact is words are the only thing that will truly smooth the way, make me relax, help me trust and believe in someone. Until that word comes out that I am waiting to hear, I am only waiting for the other shoe to drop.
John 1
The Word Became Flesh
1 In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.
Monday, 23 February 2009
It is no small thing
The oscars.... a really big thing for me since I was a small child. Some people will poo poo it and say it's just a spectacle blah blah blah, but I am moved by theatre, I am moved by a story, I find humanity in all of it and I love humanity, I love my fellow man and I love the nakedness and the honesty of film. I stayed home from school a lot when I was a kid; I absolutely hated school and didn't learn anything whilst there. When I was home, I watched movies. Tons and tons of movies. Also documentaries because there were only two channels when i was little and there was just good quality programming on them, not endless reruns and crap. I had parents who had a very broad knowledge of actors & actresses and stars and they informed my views of cinema in general and the gifted people in the industry. I was a huge fan of stories in any form really; I read voraciously and there are still movies from when I was little and becoming a teenager that I know helped create my world view. Guess Who's coming to Dinner helped me to understand bigotry and prejudice and be aware of it. The thing is, in my family we didn't talk about black and white. We talked about people's characteristics and their values etc. So, it was somewhat shocking to me to find that there were huge prejudices out there. The movie "The trial of Billy Jack" was a moment I'll never forget. It opened my eyes to the vast gulf between settlers and indigenous peoples and the triumph of love over hate. I watched it at home in my room when I was 14 and my Mom walked in to find me sobbing harder than I ever had in my life to that point. Painful crying for all the pain of everyone in the world ever.
Gone with the Wind, Funny Girl, What's up Doc, The Pink Panther movies. 2001 A Space Odyssey, Singing in the Rain, Apocalypse Now, Paper Moon, Amadeus, Bladerunner, The Fisher King, Tous Les Matins du Monde, Gladiator, Empire of the Sun, LA Confidential, An American in Paris, Oliver!, The English Patient, Shakespeare in Love, Elizabeth, The Piano, Titanic, A Beautiful Mind, The Insider... the list is endless.
I love movies. I love being in a movie theater, I miss sitting in a car in a drive-in theatre - Aristocrats, Peter Pan, Grease, etc.
I love what Penelope Cruz said about art being a universal language and I loved that they brought out five award winning peers for each nominee, I think it was one of the classiest things I've ever seen and the moment of legacy that that afforded the nominee gave much more credence to the fact that they deserved to be in that company of actors.
I loved that Kunio Kato said "Domo origato Mr. Roboto" Seriously, that was just good fun.
I loved that I got to feel wholehearted about Heath Ledgers win for Best supporting Actor. I am all for my favourites and for the gesture, but I also want the best person to actually win, and I was blown away by his performance in that movie and I hate that it was his last one and I approve completely even as a movie snob that he won.
I love that Kate Winslet finally won an Oscar and I also think that she has grown into it with grace and talent, so it was probably exactly what she should have won one for.
I kind of wish that Richard Jenkins had won for best actor, but that's just because I would have loved to see the look on his face. It's fantastic that he even got the nom, but I would have loved the moment of having a seriously hard working character actor get a lead actor award.
And I loved that Slumdog won so much simply because I have a deep deep love of India and it's people and that culture touches my heart and makes me want a better life for all of them. Yes, that was very satisfying.
I think that this was one of the best produced Oscars I have seen in years and it looked to the naked eye as though it was actually enjoyable for all gathered there instead of just a painful debacle to sit through.
Bravo all of you, bravo.
Gone with the Wind, Funny Girl, What's up Doc, The Pink Panther movies. 2001 A Space Odyssey, Singing in the Rain, Apocalypse Now, Paper Moon, Amadeus, Bladerunner, The Fisher King, Tous Les Matins du Monde, Gladiator, Empire of the Sun, LA Confidential, An American in Paris, Oliver!, The English Patient, Shakespeare in Love, Elizabeth, The Piano, Titanic, A Beautiful Mind, The Insider... the list is endless.
I love movies. I love being in a movie theater, I miss sitting in a car in a drive-in theatre - Aristocrats, Peter Pan, Grease, etc.
I love what Penelope Cruz said about art being a universal language and I loved that they brought out five award winning peers for each nominee, I think it was one of the classiest things I've ever seen and the moment of legacy that that afforded the nominee gave much more credence to the fact that they deserved to be in that company of actors.
I loved that Kunio Kato said "Domo origato Mr. Roboto" Seriously, that was just good fun.
I loved that I got to feel wholehearted about Heath Ledgers win for Best supporting Actor. I am all for my favourites and for the gesture, but I also want the best person to actually win, and I was blown away by his performance in that movie and I hate that it was his last one and I approve completely even as a movie snob that he won.
I love that Kate Winslet finally won an Oscar and I also think that she has grown into it with grace and talent, so it was probably exactly what she should have won one for.
I kind of wish that Richard Jenkins had won for best actor, but that's just because I would have loved to see the look on his face. It's fantastic that he even got the nom, but I would have loved the moment of having a seriously hard working character actor get a lead actor award.
And I loved that Slumdog won so much simply because I have a deep deep love of India and it's people and that culture touches my heart and makes me want a better life for all of them. Yes, that was very satisfying.
I think that this was one of the best produced Oscars I have seen in years and it looked to the naked eye as though it was actually enjoyable for all gathered there instead of just a painful debacle to sit through.
Bravo all of you, bravo.
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