Things I miss about my daughter.

I miss watching Disney movies in the morning with my daughter.

Being able to watch Kratt's creatures because i have a daughter.

Creating blah parties for her. Actually having any kind of party for her.

Hearing all about her day...even the minutiae, especially the minutiae.

The bursts of energy that would be enough to create electricity for a small country (say Denmark) for a year...per burst.
Seeing an event, person, view, from her perspective.
Having notes left for me in the morning or waiting for me when I came home from work. One of my favourites read - "Gramma called you a monster! and she made fun of my face, then she beat me and threw my bunny in the garbage."
Knowing what her mood was first thing in the morning and last thing at night.
Having someone understand the depth of the statement "Oh, Ami, you are soooo hot."
Having someone understand the depth of the statement "Man, Eric is soooo hot."
Driving to Macs after midnight because we're both too awake to go to sleep and we need munchies to go with the movie.
Sitting in the bathroom just to talk while we take turns getting ready to go out or go to bed cause it's better than being in separate rooms.
I miss knowing that she'll be here to carve the pumpkin and roast the seeds.
There are so many things to miss and there are those things that I missed from earlier years that I continued to miss even when she still lived at home. This is being a Mother. You let go in little bits and pieces because you think that your kid is the greatest thing you know when they are 2 and when they are 5 and when they are 8 and when they are 12 and when they are 16 and when they are 21 and you hold them all in your heart like they are 21 children instead of just one. Because you had a chance to know them all and you like them all, and you miss them all. And you always will.

Seasons do change

It is my first "first day of Fall" without my daughter living with me.

For many years now, autumn has been my favourite season. It is full of memories and childhoods merging and coming together. It is the season in which I have the clearest memories as a child and the season I feel most connected to as a mother.

What will this season feel like this time, then?

One of my goals over the past few years has been to truly feel everything that is happening to me or around me. To open myself up to the experience in the moment and be "present and available" as a wise priest once taught me. To be present and available to whatever God is giving unto this particular season of my life. There has been much to feel in the way of grief for me and those closest to me in years of late, and part of the journey is to allow that in so you don't close up and numb yourself to the joy when it comes as well.

My dear friends' daughter died many years ago and I dreamt of her last night. It was a bittersweet dream full of hope and promise, but she was only allowed to come and visit us in the dream for a couple of days, and as the dream went on I tried every phone number I could remember in an attempt to get a hold of my friend so that she could see her daughter one more time. When I woke up I still hadn't reached her and now I feel that I need to tell her about the dream. I have had dreams about Kira before and they usually feel like a visit more than anything. In this one, I touched her face and I can still remember what it felt like.

I remember at times like this that instead of looking at this day as a day without my daughter, to look at it as a day to give thanks for all the first days of Autumn I had with her - so many more than my friend got to have.

So, the next time I write, it will be about all of the wonderful parts of this season that I am grateful for, and I truly hope to be authentic about that because I have paid attention to the sorrow and the pain and they are the hoeing and the raking of the soil that allows a new thing to grow in it's time and it's season.